The Realization About Control: Lessons in Leadership and Transformation
Many of us relentlessly chase control. We strive to control our careers, relationships, emotions, and the outcomes of our efforts. For years, I believed that control meant power, certainty, and security. But through profound personal experiences and reflections, I’ve come to see control differently—not as something to impose externally but as something to master internally. This realization has transformed how I lead, make decisions, and navigate life.
The Illusion of Control
For much of my career and personal life, I operated under the belief that if I just worked hard enough, planned thoroughly enough, and controlled all the variables, I could guarantee success and prevent failure. It seemed logical. But life’s unpredictability has a way of challenging our most rigid beliefs. My sudden retinal detachment and subsequent emergency surgery was a stark reminder that no matter how much effort we exert, some things are simply out of our hands, including the time it takes to heal. It was in the stillness of recovery—when my body forced me into surrender—that I saw control for what it truly was: an illusion.
Each time I clung to the need for control, I became more stressed and less effective. I remember a specific moment during my recovery when I felt an overwhelming urge to push through and get back to work as if I could will my body into healing faster. But forcing it only made things worse. The real progress came when I surrendered to the process and trusted that healing, like leadership, unfolds in its own time. My reactions became driven by fear of losing control rather than the calm confidence of trusting my ability to respond to whatever arose. The more I tried to force outcomes, the more elusive they became. And so, I found myself at a crossroads: keep chasing an impossible standard of external control or shift my focus inward.
The Shift to Internal Containment
The breakthrough came when I realized that true control isn’t about manipulating circumstances but about mastering my inner world. In conversations with trusted mentors and through deep self-reflection, I began to see the power of what I call “containment.” Containment is the practice of anchoring myself in equanimity—the ability to stay grounded, calm, and intentional regardless of external chaos.
Instead of reacting impulsively to challenges, I learned to pause, reflect, and choose my response. This wasn’t about suppressing emotion but about channeling it constructively. Containment allowed me to hold space for my emotions, fears, and uncertainties without letting them dictate my actions. And paradoxically, the more I focused on myself, the more influence I seemed to have over external outcomes. By shifting my energy from “fixing” or controlling everything around me to cultivating internal stability, I discovered a surprising clarity and power.
When someone asked me, ‘What does containment feel like?’ the best way I could describe it was: ‘It’s not allowing my emotions to run roughshod. It’s a feeling of centeredness and control. It’s knowing that there’s nothing to do until there’s something to do.’ That realization changed everything. It wasn’t passive; it was the most powerful way I had ever understood the nature of control.
Control as Leadership
This realization transformed not only my personal life but also my approach to leadership. Leadership is often seen as the ability to direct and control others, to drive outcomes, and to achieve results. But the best leaders I’ve encountered don’t rely on force; they lead by example, with presence and intention. They embody the calm in the storm, providing a sense of stability and direction that inspires others to rise to their best.
When I began leading with containment, I noticed profound shifts in how people responded to me. My teams felt more empowered, my relationships deepened, and the results we achieved came with greater ease. By focusing on aligning my values, vision, and actions, I created a ripple effect that influenced others without the need for micromanagement or control.
During my recovery, I was physically unable to be as ‘in control’ as I used to be. I had to rely on others in a way that was deeply uncomfortable for me. Delegating wasn’t just a necessity—it was a lesson in trust, in allowing things to unfold without my constant oversight. It was humbling to see that things didn’t just continue without me—they actually flourished in some ways. That realization forced me to reconsider how much of my need for control was truly necessary. I had to trust my body, my team, and the flow of events. To my surprise, things didn’t fall apart in my absence; they flourished. It was a lesson I couldn’t have learned any other way.
Lessons in Letting Go
Letting go of external control doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility or ambition. It means recognizing the limits of what we can influence and embracing the freedom that comes from working within those limits. Here are some of the most impactful lessons I’ve learned:
Control Begins Within: The only thing we can truly control is ourselves—our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Mastering this internal control allows us to approach external situations with clarity and confidence.
Equanimity Is Power: Staying calm and grounded, especially in high-stakes situations, is one of the most effective forms of influence. It sets the tone for others and creates a foundation for thoughtful decision-making.
Trust the Process: Life and leadership are not linear journeys. By letting go of the need to control every step, we open ourselves to unexpected opportunities and outcomes that often surpass our original plans.
Embrace Uncertainty: Uncertainty is not the enemy; it’s the space where growth and innovation happen. When we stop fearing it, we can navigate it with curiosity and courage.
Practical Applications
This realization about control isn’t just theoretical; it’s deeply practical. Here are ways I’ve integrated this philosophy into my daily life and work:
In Leadership: When leading teams and working with clients, I focus on creating environments where people feel safe to take risks, make mistakes, and grow. Instead of trying to control their every move, I provide clear vision and values, trusting them to execute in their unique ways.
In Decision-Making: I’ve stopped agonizing over making “the right” decision. Instead, I focus on aligning decisions with my core values and trusting that I’ll adapt as needed.
In Relationships: Whether personal or professional, I’ve learned to release the need to “fix” others or control their behavior. This has led to deeper, more authentic connections.
In Health and Wellness: My health challenges taught me that I can’t control every aspect of my body, but I can control how I respond to it—by prioritizing rest, listening to my needs, and reducing stress.
Letting Go As a Consistent Practice
Letting go of control is an ongoing practice—dare I say, a lifelong practice? As leaders, we are often pulled between the need to take decisive action and the wisdom of allowing things to unfold. Mastery doesn’t come from eliminating the impulse to control—it comes from recognizing when to step in and when to step back.
Consider reflecting on:
Where in your life or leadership are you being invited to let go of control and trust the process?
How does your need for control show up in ways that might be limiting your growth?
What would it feel like to approach challenges with more containment and less reaction?
Leadership requires us to be present, to trust one another, and to develop self-awareness. It calls for us to engage in our own internal "work" while collaborating with others to achieve goals and overcome challenges. Letting go does not mean abandoning responsibility; rather, it involves deepening our trust in ourselves and in the process. The more we cultivate this awareness, the more we can lead with clarity, confidence, and resilience. Growth occurs in the space between control and surrender, and as leaders, our challenge is to navigate that space with intentionality.
Taking Your Leadership Further
If you're interested in deepening your practice of Inner Authority and integrating these concepts into your leadership approach, I offer several pathways for continued growth:
Courses and workshops designed to strengthen your self-mastery at Productive Intuition.
My book, Productive Intuition: Connecting to the Subtle, explores these concepts in greater depth (available here).
Direct advisory work, where we can align your leadership with powerful strategic insight (learn more here).
Where in your life or leadership are you being invited to let go of control and trust the process?